Adventures of a Bookworm

I post this song every Christmas.

2009-12-24T21:51:53Z

Rebel Jesus by Jackson Brown
Performed by The Chieftains

All the streets are filled with laughter and light
And the music of the season
And the merchants' windows are all bright
With the faces of the children
And the families hurrying to their homes
While the sky darkens and freezes
Will be gathering around the hearths and tables
Giving thanks for God's graces
And the birth of the rebel Jesus

Well they call him by 'the Prince of Peace'
And they call him by 'the Savior'
And they pray to him upon the seas
And in every bold endeavor
And they fill his churches with their pride and gold
As their faith in him increases
But they've turned the nature that I worship in
From a temple to a robber's den
In the words of the rebel Jesus

Well we guard our world with locks and guns
And we guard our fine possessions
And once a year when Christmas comes
We give to our relations
And perhaps we give a little to the poor
If the generosity should seize us
But if any one of us should interfere
In the business of why there are poor
They get the same as the rebel Jesus

Now pardon me if I have seemed
To take the tone of judgement
For I've no wish to come between
This day and your enjoyment
In a life of hardship and of earthly toil
There's a need for anything that frees us
So I bid you pleasure
And I bid you cheer
From a heathen and a pagan
On the side of the rebel Jesus

Sláinte!

2009-12-23T13:53:46Z

Last night I went to the memorial service of our office handyman’s mother. That’s a mouthful. I never met the woman, but F is an incredibly sweet guy who comes on a moment’s notice to help us with anything, and I can only imagine that’s the way she raised him. If that’s the case then she was one hell of a good woman, not to mention very beautiful in her glory days. Think of Elizabeth Taylor with a permanently mischievous twinkle. F was touched that the girls, Doc and I all worked a full day, then went home to change and drive out to the funeral home to spend the entire time there. The service was very small – maybe a little less than two dozen people – and quite simple: a slideshow of pictures, a speech from a Reverend* at her hospice and a candle lighting ceremony.

Be assured that my own memorial service will not be quite so mundane. I’ve had a will and funeral instructions written up since I was eighteen and I update it occasionally. I’m currently working on another update to change what my parents get in their will, for obvious reasons, and changing a few things around. I need to update my photo and my burial instructions; if they won’t allow me to be buried without embalming with a tree planted in lieu of a headstone then I’ll just be cremated and tossed into the wilderness. I also need to update my euology. I wrote it myself to make sure no one lies about me. And I’ve come up with an awesome game anyone in attendance will have to play to celebrate my life and the things I enjoyed.

I’m compiling a second list of songs from movie soundtracks (the first just being my favourite songs, rather than boring funeral appropriate music). Every person will have until the end of the song to shout out what movie the song came from. For example, Mr. Sandman would be from Halloween and Fire by Jimi Hendrix is from Reign of Fire. The first person to get it right gets a point. If you can’t guess the movie or get it wrong you have to shout “Sláinte!” and take a shot. Just for kicks I’ll throw in songs that aren’t from any movie and they’ll be followed by “Haha, gotcha! Sláinte!” and everyone will have to take a shot. At the end of the list the person with the most points will get a bottle of Southern Comfort to remember me by. Oh, and there’ll be real food, not polite finger food. An open bar will be accompanied by pizza, sushi, Chinese food and a list of other things.

Basically I want a movie nerd’s Irish wake.

Ps: Nerds and geeks will be rewarded with two points if they shout out Star Trek II: Wrath of Khan if they don't get sucked into the bagpipe playing Amazing Grace

All I want for Christmas..

2009-12-21T15:10:48Z

My Jeep purchase was hampered a little by a front that brought flooding and tornadoes before it got cold. The Jeep Cherokee I’m getting was so thoroughly drenched it took us fifteen minutes to get the poor thing dried out enough to start up. I won't be able to pick it up until after work today because the guy wanted to flush the fuel line and put clean gas in, check the engine and transmission, and put in a new battery because the other one was acting hinky. It already has new tires and a new spare in the back. It’s fairly clean, although I’ll no doubt give it a good scrubbing because it’s not clean enough for me. I want to wash the windows and give them all a liberal coating of RainX and scrub the dashboard down, but the carpet and upholstery just need some Febreeze after sitting in the Florida heat. After that it’s good to go for window and bumper stickers, a Sunpass (electronic toll payment) and a bunch of other crap that normally accumulates in cars. I will name it Caradog, “dearly loved.” Pictures to follow eventually.

Rain, rain, go away.. Or at least let up!

2009-12-18T13:28:53Z

The office is flooded. Thankfully only in the patient areas and nowhere near our electronics, but still. But I'm going to buy my Jeep today, no matter what!

"Hi-ho, hi-ho! It's off to work we go!"

2009-12-17T14:34:41Z

Of all the places to fall in love with, I’m falling for Clewiston, a tiny spot just southwest of Lake OkeeChobee that barely qualifies as a town. They’re sugarcane farmers; impoverished, neglected, and working hard at very dangerous jobs. Like many small-town people they have more than their fair share of drug and alcohol addiction, but many of them are good people with a genuine appreciation for the services we provide up there. Apparently their nearest county hospital is referred to as “the animal hospital” and they would rather drive an hour away to another county’s hospital to be seen if they have the choice. We set up shop there once a month and do house calls while we’re up there, which has resulted. Every time we go we’re offered puppies and food payment. It’s odd, but sweet.

It’s a two hour drive one way to get there, but my doctor’s decided we should start going up there twice, maybe three times a month. We’re moving to a new place, our own little rental office instead of renting space from a diagnostic imaging center up there. Yesterday we looked at a selection of places and settled on one I can only describe as colonial Florida. It has wood floors throughout, original glass windows that you push out and latch, a tiny courtyard with a wrought iron gate, private parking in the back, and a ton of quaint details, including a wooden bench in the front and a dragonfly doorknocker on the front door. It’s absolutely gorgeous. It needs a coat of neutral paint in the interior and a handicap accessible ramp installed, but otherwise it’s ready to go.

So, there we go, on top of increasing patient flow by nearly 300% since I took over the office I can now add starting a clinic from scratch to my resume. I’ve now reached the point in resume-land where I no longer list my duties, but a synapses of my achievements. It’s funny when I stop to think that I only started working here on September 1st. In three and a half months I’ve complete up-ended this place, pulled it into the black, redone the scheduling, increased revenue and initiated hospital-quality protocols. I’m even bringing a PA on-board to help him with his patient load. So the question is, how did I get myself into this position?

Why, yes, I am the Spirit of Christmas Present.

2009-12-15T13:46:45Z

J, who’s my doctor’s son-in-law and who controls the books for the business, wanted me to cut hours for my staff this month, allegedly because we’re not seeing as many patients. He’s concerned about spending more money than we’re making. Okay, Scrooge. Be careful what you ask for. I cut them by ten hours each and delivered the crushing news yesterday. And after a few moments I expressed my complete disappointment in their deductive reasoning.

“What days do you work now?”
“Monday through Thursday.”
“When do you get your Christmas bonus?”
“…Today or tomorrow…”
“Which will pay for this Friday and then some. Do you work Thursday or Friday next week?”
“No…”
“Why?”
“It’s a paid holiday?”
“Do you work Thursday or Friday the next week?”
“No, it’s another paid holiday.”
“So I cut your hours, but you’re actually going to get more money than usual. Did you really think I’d let him take money away from you before Christmas?”

Yesterday Doc gave me a fifteen minute lecture about standing up to J and protecting my girls. I waited until he was done, then pointed gave him the same information. After he digested it he asked me why I agreed with J to cut their hours if I knew it wasn’t going to make a difference. My answer was pretty simple and to the point: I’m manipulative. J’s happy because he thinks he’s saved money and my girls are happy because they get to work less for more.

You know what a Taurus is good for? Bullshit.

Writer's Block: Holiday blues

2009-12-14T13:14:12Z

What is the most emotionally challenging aspect of the holidays for you? Do you enjoy this season more or less than you did as a child?

View 815 Answers

The most emotionally challenging aspect is undoubtedly dealing with years of holiday tragedies. From Halloween till the middle of January is riddled with deaths of loved ones and animal companions. I don't think a year's gone by since I was sixteen that the holidays haven't been bitter sweet. I can't say I enjoy the season more or less than I did as a child, though; I enjoy it differently. I only have half my biological family left, I haven't celebrated the holidays with a significant other for more than sixteen years, and my circle of friends and chosen family has remained rather small, but that just means I have to work twice as hard to celebrate the holidays with them and make sure they're the best. I may not have another Christmas with my grandparents or even my parents. I may not even have another Christmas with my cousins. So why let the chance slip away to shower them with the true spirit of the season?

Two friends in less than a year.

2009-12-13T05:02:38Z

A friend of mine in Chicago was murdered last Friday/Saturday. Murdered is an understatement, actually; he was tortured and beaten to death. His assailant(s) put cigarettes out on him. Dennis wasn't the best person in the whole world: he started life off as the son and one of the victims of his family's pedophile, which resulted in him getting involved in heavy drug use as he got older. He continued his own dysfunctional sexcapades over the years in an attempt to reclaim control. I'd like to say no one deserves to die the way he did, no matter what they did, but the truth is the piece(s) of shit who did this to him do deserve to die that way. And so much more.

I couldn't attend is funeral for various reasons, which I'm not very happy about. Funerals themselves do nothing for me; I don't need to see a dead body or go through a series of disingenuous rituals for me to find closure. I knew my friend was dead the night DJ woke me up to tell me about it and it's no more real now than it was then. I just would have liked to be there for his family, the ones I know and the ones I haven't met yet. But that's neither here nor there since I obviously didn't go. Instead I bought myself a statue of Buddha to remember him by and lit a white candle today. It's all I can do besides wait for more information as it trickles down through the family from the cops.

As I posted on FB, this year started on a roller coaster and is ending on one. Hopefully 2010 will let me off on a platform.

There's a first for everything.

2009-12-12T23:32:43Z

I'm actually thinking of canceling my LJ account. I'm not normally bothered by any of the things that happen around here, but this actually inconveniences me and makes LJ less desirable, even if it's my only way of keeping in touch with some of you.

To whoever owns LiveJournal now,

I have been with LJ nearly since its inception under one username or another. I’ve watched it undergo numerous changes, often for the better, as it changed hands time and again searching for a home that could accommodate its growth. I have very few negative comments about LJ because I’ve never been inconvenienced by any of these changes. Until now.

First and foremost, I am irritated by the Best Buy adverts that create a secondary screen that you cannot cancel for until the timer finishes. I love roll-over adverts and often check them out for their amusing commercials, particularly around the holidays, but no one enjoys being forced to watch an advert. Contrary to popular belief commercialism and consumerism don’t depend on morons who mindlessly watch anything that flits across the screen and then chase after it in the stores. While Best Buy’s tactic is to be blamed on them, you’re the one allowing the adverts on your site.

Secondly, today I signed onto LiveJournal, clicked on the Friends tab, and was immediately directed to a site that told me I had five Trojans that needed to be taken care of. Clicking on anything on the site led to yet another unsecure page that no doubt would have attempted to download something to my computer. I’m sure you can guess what would have happened if I’d fallen for that idiocy instead of closing down FireFox. No doubt you’d claim “no harm, no foul” since nothing was downloaded to my computer from this site, but I still find it deplorable that your site is the one that sent me to it.

I really don’t want to leave LJ. Almost all my friends are here and this is how we keep in touch with each other, despite being continents apart. My best and worst moments are blogged here. However, no one wants to use a site under these conditions. People have left LJ for far less than this. I understand that I’m an insignificant member to you, but my complaint mirrors the complaints of many, many others you’ve received and ignored over the years. Are you really going to keep running things this way?

Sincerely,
E.R.

This is for my Doc!

2009-12-11T21:40:15Z

You don't need Deck the Halls or Jingle Bell Rock
'Cause you can spin the dreidel with Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock -- both jewish!

If you really, really wanna-kkah, have a happy, happy, happy, happy Hanukkah! Happy Hanukkah, everyone!

Expenditure Timeline

2009-12-03T17:02:36Z

December - Jeep and Christmas presents
January - bookcases and BC pills (medical necessity)
February - Droid and new Renaissance fair costume
March - Renaissance fair and save college money
April - save birthday and college money
May - spend birthday and college money

I already got my new glasses, an early Christmas present from my parents, so that's one less thing I have to pay for.

Yay!

2009-12-03T14:09:41Z

I'm buying a used Jeep Cherokee on December 19th. I've wanted a Cherokee since I was in high school, but back then they were expensive and all I could afford was a used Wrangler. Now, seventeen years later, I'm finally getting the Cherokee I wanted. It's white and it's gorgeous. I've already picked out the bumper stickers I'm going to slap on its ass. Today I transferred most of my last paycheck into my saving's account, which means I have a third of the money set aside. Over the next two weeks I'll set aside the other two-thirds. Whatever money's left over plus my Christmas bonus and the paycheck I get just before Christmas will all be for presents. Thankfully this month has five pay weeks, so that fifth paycheck will cover my rent and any gas to drive my Jeep into the new year. By the end of the month I'll be broke, but happy!

Dream Journal

2009-12-02T13:40:33Z

I was with a group of travelling knights -- Hospitallers, perhaps; I remember the Order of St. John -- when we had to take shelter in a local temple of some kind. The order of that temple were clearly Eastern, though I couldn't say from where, and they obviously didn't like us much. They had a grudging respect for what we were doing and an understanding with our leader that we would provide shelter and protection if and whenever they needed it themselves. Apparently no one was safe at that time. They commented that I was a woman and started to balk, but allowed us to pass when he spoke up and said they needed me as much as any man. They lead us to a long, narrow spiral staircase we had to climb in absolute silence. At the top was a small room, barely large enough to house the men and their weapons, and I immediately started attending to what we needed by lighting a few candles and dispersing the fruit, bread and water I found there before searching them over for wounds. Apparently the trip to the temple wasn't the easiest; we were all dirty, exhausted and battered.

When it was my time to guard the top of the stairs I borrowed a dark cloak from one of the men, who all towered over me. I was small enough to hide in the shadows with the hood drawn up. One of the temple monks came up the stairs to bring us news and muttered to himself about us leaving ourselves unguarded until he came face to face with the tip of my sword nearly at the last minute. After that he had to admit that having me along wasn't the worst idea they ever had. I don't remember much else, but I do remember at one point they realized that if I stood on one of their shoulders I could reach a small window high overhead and maybe crawl through. I don't know, though, if it was because I could see what was happening outside without being seen myself or if they were making contingency plans for my escape if we were discovered and attacked. I just remember them hoisting me up there and having to squeeze through to lean out and see the ground beneath us because there was a roof blocking most of the view. I wish I could remember more detail than that, like their uniforms.

Blahness.

2009-11-30T13:47:52Z

I really did nothing this vacation except sleep and watch movies. I visited my parents on Thursday and Saturday, and on Saturday I went and got my eye exam so I can finally get new glasses. I haven't had an exam in two years and I lost my last pair of glasses about six or seven months ago. I pick up my new pair, with a new prescription because I now need to wear my glasses for more than just astygmatism, Tuesday after work. They're a cute pair of tortoise shells. I'd originally picked a pair of Burberry silvers from LensCrafters that were 50% off, but their customer service ticked me off too much and I left for PearleVision and the tortoise shells. I'll make them even cute(r) by the end of the week, when I've had time to figure out what I want to do with them.

Strangely enough, despite the fact that I always forget to wear my glasses, leave them all over the place and lose them, I actually enjoy wearing glasses. They look cute on me and make my normally small almost-Asian eyes look a bit more substantial without gobs of make-up. Just the usual eyeliner and mascara will do as long as I have dark rims surrounding them. I'm going to have to work on wearing them all the time, though. I've always had problems with my distance vision, which I've learned to compensate for, but now my vision's actually blurred a bit and I get frequent headaches from working on the computer all day. My biological age, at least, is finally catching up with me. Even my grey hairs are becoming much more prominent. I love it.

In other news, I'm blah for other reasons. I've become acutely aware of Arjay's absence, if that's somehow possible. It's not like he was here to begin with, but the fact that he's not here now has become sort of an uncomfortable spot, a tiny splinter under my skin that I only really feel when it's rubbed the wrong way. This weekend was one of those times. D and R were off on a cruise the entire time and A either spent the time working or sleeping over at her friend's house, which left me alone. After sixteen years of practice this normally wouldn't bother me. Lazing about in bed, reading about chaos theory, occasionally walking the dogs, tidying up the apartment and watching movies should have been fun and relaxing. Instead it was furstrating and boring.

C'est la vie. Life goes on and I'll once more acquire an immunity to such drivel.

Sigh.

2009-11-25T16:58:09Z

It occurs to me that I’ve never even described Arjay or why I have such a crush on him. To start, he’s actually quite a bit shorter than I would normally like. He’s 5’9” or 5’10”, which means my head rests perfectly on his shoulder when we hug. He’s a little pudgy, which I do like, with rough hands from working with crustaceans all day. He has short gingery brown hair, but his scruff is gingery red with a few blonde patches. As handsome as I think he is normally, the face fuzz just does it for me for some reason. Maybe because it makes him look like a werewolf. His hands are always warm and he has a strong, solid build to him that makes him very cuddly. Very.

That’s a little disconcerting for me.

He’s working on his doctorate in marine biology and his ultimate goal is to haul his ass down into the blackness to study deep sea creatures. His thesis focuses on crinoids, specifically a misclassification by a pair of scientists in turn-of-the-century Hamburg. Apparently the collection was destroyed during the bombings and only a few documents are left, but it’s enough for him to go on. He lives near the beach because that’s where the lab he works with is. I get the feeling he doesn’t spend much time there recreationally, though. He doesn’t have much time with his studies, a full-time job and his thesis.

He’s a complete and utter nerd of the genius level. I’m sure other people find his conversations strangely academic and overly intellectual, but I positively adore it. I’ve never heard him say something unintelligent and he even says adorable things like, “Balderdash!” He grew up fencing and boating and he’s an avid reader, when he has a little time. According to him he hasn’t had a date in two or three years, probably because he’s too busy to notice when he has someone’s attention, but he no doubt intimidates quite a few people. He certainly found a niche with my family. He loves MST3K and couldn’t hide his smile when he caught me absently singing the themesong during the dinner party.

He’s an incredibly sweet and generous person, which is part of the problem. Is he just so nice and sweet he does things like buy expensive groceries for his friends or does he have an ulterior motive he’s just too shy to share? In some respects he wears his heart on his sleeve; he can be very passionate about some topics. In others… I have no clue what’s going on in his head. He clearly knows I exist, but in what regard? He’s a strange, strange man. An absent-minded scientist that loves to cook, watches crappy B movies and quotes Keats. What’s not to be smitten with? I have a feeling this is completely unrequited.

I reiterate, boys are dumb.

2009-11-24T15:04:24Z

I texted Arjay last night and asked him if he wanted to come over for a "normal dinner with abnormal people." He said he would normally say yes, but he has a half million things to do before he leaves for Buffalo on Wednesday. Jerk. One day he's going to complain (again) that he hasn't had a date in two years and I'm going to tell him, "Really? Because I've been trying to get a date with you since D's wedding."

The couples only dinner party Saturday night was a smashing success, in a dinner party sort of way. Not in the hook the single kids up sort of way. There was so much delicious food and we watched two MST3K movies back-to-back, complete with a singing and dancing movie theater food intermission. The menu included beef kabobs, shrimp piccata, mushrooms in white wine and garlic sauce, spinach and artichoke dip, olive tapanade, hummus, and chocolate fondue with fresh fruit, pound cake and mini cheesecakes. My soon to be cousin-in-law made the chocolate fondue with two jars of Nutella, a bar of Ghirardelli dark chocolate, a drizzle of coffee and a little red wine. I'm amazing my heart didn't explode.

Arjay fussed over his contribution to the dinner party and hardly sat down, but he laughed and joked with me the entire time. He also brought me about $45 in groceries from Whole Foods ontop of what he brought to the party, which was terribly sweet and confusing. But when we sat down to watch the movies he sat as far away from me as he could get, with the exception of a few glances in my direction. Like I wouldn't notice. Everyone's stumped as to what's really going on, if he's interested or just a really nice guy. I suppose it's going to remain an unrequited crush for a fairly long time. The next big event we have planned to invite him to is the Renaissance festival we do every year. I plan on having a new costume because I'll need a much smaller corset than last year. Maybe that'll get his attention.

You know, I ought to change the subtitle on my journal, since it's clearly not romance-free any longer. I'm not sure when or why that changed, and I'm definitely not sure if I like it, but there you go. I blame it on Sarah's bad influences.

Ha.

2009-11-18T14:17:40Z

I saw a BBC article that said "Saracens humble Wembley" and I immediately thought, "Wow, that's straight out of the Holy Wars."

Random Tidbits

2009-11-12T18:53:07Z

- I woke up with a sore throat this morning. Nothing horrible or cough inducing, but it's annoying. I got honey-based lozenges for myself.

- I fully intend to have a Droid by Valentine's Day at the latest. I will name it Alice after the computer system in Resident Evil.

- I'm already planning my 35th birthday party, which is still six and a half months away. Actually, it's more like I'm scheming. Arjay's going to be my date, he just doesn't know it.

- I still have a total nerd crush on Arjay. Thankfully I'm not so emo or self-conscious about it anymore. That was screwing with my head.

- Today I got scolded for not eating enough protein. I found out I'm allergic to wheat a little more than a month ago and I've had to make radical dietary changes. Apparently quinoa doesn't count as a good source of protein when you're anemic. Now I have to have to give myself B12 shots. Bastards.

- I moved again for the second time in less than four months. I like my new place, but now I need a bed. I left my old one with my parents.

- I'm buying myself my dream car: a old Jeep Cherokee, preferably a late 80's or early 90's model, something I wanted back in high school. A white one that I can put anarchy stickers on.

- I want a window mount for my Droid so I can talk to the ancestor of the T-1000 while driving an old Jeep. That idea makes my sci-fi geek heart happy.

Ever-Changing Me

2009-11-10T16:54:02Z

Two and a half months ago I got a new job. Two weeks ago I got a raise. On Saturday I moved to a new apartment. Next month I'm buying a new (to me) car. My dream car since I was in high school, in fact -- a Jeep Cherokee. What else am I going to change?

Edit: Oh, and I'm saving up for a Droid. Zomg.

This just sucks.

2009-11-03T16:31:39Z

I'm so out of sorts today. I'm more productive than I was yesterday, but I really don't want to be here physically or mentally. I'd rather be staring at sea creatures while a marine biologist tells me about them. How fucking weird is that? I have got to banish this from my mind.

I'm turning into a miniature drama llama.

2009-11-02T20:06:34Z

The wedding was absolutely amazing. The groom is always handsome and the bride looked stunning. And eating at a family-style Italian restaurant was perfect because it was the right mix of quasi-formal and celebratory. Of course, the highlight for me was being book-ended by two attractive nerds -- Sean and Arjay.

Things with Sean went well, though not as well as I'd hoped. He came straight to me and stayed next to me the entire night. More importantly he actually talked to me. Major improvement. His body language, his attention and some of his words, or lack thereof, said it all, but nothing happened. He hung out with R, DJ and I at their apartment for a few hours, but still nothing happened, just a brief touch to my hair and a few "accidentally" touches. Of course, none of this rivals the few sparks of jealousy I saw flying when Arjay joined our table.

We had one of those huge curving booths that can seat eight. I sat tucked into a corner with Sean scooted in close-ish next to me. Next thing I know Arjay, who I know through the groom, came around the other side and slid in next to me. Sean immediately eyed him like he was an intruder. It didn't help that Arjay and I were trying to figure out when D and his bride met and our point of reference was the last time Arjay cooked dinner for us. Except he said, "I think they met the week after I went over to your place and cooked for you." Yeah, that earned another look from Sean. So did the fact that I obviously find Arjay to be exceedingly intelligent and funny, so I laugh at all his geeky jokes.

Once Arjay asked to borrow my pen and I said it'd cost him. "I'll cook you dinner." Then he forgot his glasses when we were about to leave and I took them to him. "When do I owe you dinner?" I said I'd FB him and we'd talk. I woke up Saturday morning, checked my e-mail and found a friend request from him already. That made me smile and I'm pretty sure I turned red. This morning I checked my e-mail and found a message through FB from him about the upcoming movie Avatar as well as his number.

Truth be told, I'm trying not to read too much into it. I like Arjay a lot and his very cuddly -- a fact I know because he hugged me after the wedding. As many issues as I have with human contact, I can actually envision resting against him while watching movies. That's pretty damn big for me. Oh, random fact: he's Polish, which I'm sure might amuse jefF. He works at Nove Southeastern University where he's also working on his doctorate in marine biology. He's one of those super-geeks, the sort that ask you bizarre questions and rattle off random facts at the drop of a hat. You either love him or hate him, and my cousins and I love him.

Anyway, I'd like to see what happens with either one of them. DJ asked me to be honest and tell her which one I'd rather see right now and I actually had to say Arjay. I love Sean and I've loved him for years, but he really has to get his shit together and actually do something. Arjay's already made a few steps to at least be friends outside of our mutual associations. And, like I said, he's cuddly and he makes me laugh. And he's a little crazy. One of my favourite pictures of him is making ice cream with liquid nitrogen. Who wouldn't love to have dinner with someone like that?

I'm melting! I'm melting!

2009-10-29T16:41:48Z

The AC in the clinic stopped working sometime around 3:30 pm yesterday. I had to send my staff home early today. Unfortunately, I have to stay to keep answering the phones and deal with any patients that come in. I don't want to run a clinic anymore!

Random Thoughts

2009-10-29T13:01:10Z

Tomorrow's the wedding and tomorrow I'm going to see Sean for the first time in a year. I've actually changed a lot, physically and otherwise, in that mere year. I wonder what he'll think. I don't worry or fret about it, but I do wonder. I'm calm after my initial freak-out, though the drama does continue. Apparently my cousin R isn't as oblivious as we thought. When DJ told him Sean's going to the wedding he just got this huge grin on his face. According to DJ he wants Sean and I together. Everyone wants Sean and I together -- except probably Sean.

Anyone who reads this journal knows I don't date. I don't even interact well with humans. I haven't been able to sustain a relationship since high school, mostly because I haven't really tried. For a variety of reasons. First and foremost, I have commitment issues stemming from losing half my family and my fiance years ago. Plus I just have general relationship issues because I can't reconcile with the idea of spending more than a day, much less the rest of my life, with one person. And I'm just a plain admitted coward when it comes to dealing with personal issues.

I love Sean and I want him in my life, but I don't think I'll be heartbroken if he just wants to stay life-long friends that grew up together. I'd probably be more freaked out if he doesn't want to just stay friends. I often marvel at people who can date and risk their hearts, but I don't envy them.

Omgwtfbbq?!

2009-10-26T20:49:47Z

My next book will be titled Delete the Message: How to ignore your inner voice and outer signs. FB kept prompting me to "reconnect" with Sean, so I did. I sent him a very simple e-mail. "It's been nearly a year since any of us have heard from you and we miss you. I miss you. I love you, E.R." I figured it'd be weeks, even months before he saw it and he could take it any way he wanted to.

He read it this morning. He's going to D's wedding, which is this Friday. I shouldn't have sent that note. I should have ignored FB and my inner voice. Now I'm hyperventilating for no damn good reason. This will probably turn out to be the same as every other time we've been in the same room together -- he'll hover in my field of vision but won't come near me, he'll keep glancing over and maintain eye contact but he won't talk to me.

Wtf, mate? I'm supposed to be the shrew!

Hee!

2009-10-25T18:16:50Z

Me: So, guess what!
Mel: hm?
Me: I'm officially the only single person over the age of thirteen in my entire family!
Mel: That's um...ok...uh...grats?
Me: ::Smug.::
Me: Not only that, I'm the only person in my generation that's never been married and/or had kids. Dude, I'm rocking the spinsterhood!
Mel: *facepalm*
Me: I'm a shrew. Hee!
Mel: *pat*
Me: In other news, I wrote that guy I keep telling you about. Nothing will come of it, but I did it. I figure if I can do what the billboards tell me to, I can do what Facebook tells me to.
Mel: ...Facebook tells you to.
Me: Yes. It kept prompting me to "reconnect" with him and write on his wall, so I did.
Mel: That's right up there with listening to a fortune cookie.
Me: Listening to a fortune cookie's how I got my job.
Mel: *terrified*
Me: I'm all about the messages, baybee!
Mel: LMAO